diary entries
here is my space for all things cosmic.
my internal monologue soundtrack to these feelings
2024_03_15
Evil Adjacent is out now. This has been a long time coming. I have been collecting ephemera from each person I have come in contact with over the years. I am a sucker for nostalgia. I let her ravage me at night when I can't sleep. I get sad when the smell of people starts to fade from my collection. I have only ever burned one letter in my life. I posted it online and then swiftly deleted it. This EP is a collection of body parts of everyone I have loved. I have the tooth of my first love, the fingernails of my cousin, a lock of hair from my best friend, tear stained napkins from my mother...
Please, take this as an offering, to the never ending cycle of trauma and violence. Feed the beast with as much love as possible. Sometimes, you can overwhelm it just enough to throw you back up. I am lucky to have gotten out, but I sometimes feel myself craving the pressure of the jaws alongside the washing machine motion of being tossed around and beaten up.
Listen with your head in the corner of your room. Listen
2024_03_06
I like to think that my gut intuition about people is right. Recently though, I've been losing sight of things. The deeper I look into someone's eyes, the less I see. Faces are starting to disappear, and I've bet the devil my head
2024_02_29
cosmo- in American English (ˈkɑzmoʊ; ˈkɑzmə) world, universe cosmology Webster’s New World College Dictionary, 4th Edition. Copyright © 2010 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. All rights reserved. Word origin Gr kosmos, universe, world, order
the world didn't have to be like this. in the end, it's only love.
2024_02_29
Rats are various medium-sized, long-tailed rodents. Species of rats are found throughout the order Rodentia, but stereotypical rats are found in the genus Rattus. Other rat genera include Neotoma (pack rats), Bandicota (bandicoot rats) and Dipodomys (kangaroo rats).
putting myself out there, and i feel like a rat dragging a pizza along the subway platform. a creature forever wandering the depths of human creation, feeding off the scraps of the animals that believe they are above mother nature. i see so much of the underbellies of humans from looking up from so far down.
2024_02_18
I've been doing my due dilligence. I have been studying how I should act around people at parties. My blood pressure gets so high that my ears start ringing. I ask "Hey how about that weather?" no one wants to hear about how toby dammit lost his head. my grief is too much. it is all consuming. i was born for this
2024_02_05
I have about 25 dollars left to my name. I am going to hit the road and preach the good word of my heart to anyone who will listen. I've been planing something big. Maybe catch me on the road and join in on the fun.
2024_01_25
I found you, and I lost you. You are always running from me. I am only ever stomping on your shadow, never in your shoes with you. I went the distance to try and feel your pain, and all you did was push me away. I feel changed. I have shifted shape. You sold all of your things then took it out on me. Why is it you think that nobody will love you? You cut your own wings off, but you are still an angel.
2023_12_31
I hear her calling me. through my phone, through the street lamps, through my tv. I have to do something about this. i think it is an angel trying to tell me something. i'm packing my backpack tonight and heading into the woods. i know appalachia is a hungry beast, but she's out there. you can find me and my location below
2023_12_13
i bought a box of fortune cookies ate them all at once read all my fortunes and adjusted my outlook accordingly. exit button disappears in a pixelated void
2023_12_01
i've been carrying a watergun around with me. i don't feel safe in my body anymore. the finger pistol in my pocket feels too obvious. i have spray painted the super soaker black.
2023_11_30
i saw these hands on the wall while going to pick up eggs and bread. i wanted to touch one. time is a loop. if i catch it right, maybe i could feel the other side.
2023_11_29
i have a new boyfriend and his name is Toby Dammit. we get along quite well, but i suspect he has a gambling problem. my friends are telling me that he should stop using the devil's name so seriously, but who can stop him?
anywho, here is a cute pic of me just chillin in the mud!
2023_11_28
i am stealing company time by crying in the storage closet
2023_11_27
i don’t wanna go to school or get a job i’d rather steal from walmart and **** with cops but they’d probably send me to the psych ward
2023_11_12
It happened again! ANd my stigmata runs up both arms. The power lines outside of my house started sparking, and she appeared. When the fire department came to check it out, they found a kestrel had taken an unfortunate turn.
2023_11_03
It’s been awhile. I don’t really know whats happening to me other than my so called “stigmata” has returned with a vengeance. I have an old TV from my grandpa’s basement sitting on my dresser. It is more for sentimental purposes at this point. I like to turn on static and think of him piling mountain of reese cups on my lap. Recently, in the middle of the night, the TV has been flickering on and off. I swear to god i see my doppleganger. I’ve read about these dopplegangers, but this one doesn’t seem malicious. She seems like she is trying to tell me something. Maybe she found him? Maybe she knows my secret? Maybe there is something I’ve been missing. I’ve been keeping my TV on when I am home now, to see if I can catch her.
2023_10_05
I had a friend tell me that my anxiety is an evolutionary flaw. I haven't evolved past the point of being in prey mode.
2023_09_27
How can you exist without feeling guilty
2023_09_09
I found a thumb drive from him. I decided to keep it in my sock drawer. I know what's on there. He called me "puska"
2023_09_02
I blacked out in my bathtub while on the phone to my friend. I woke up in the morning in wet jeans. I cried a bit. My mom and my best friend have both told me on separate occasions that sometimes I am “too much”. I don’t know what that means, because I am always feeling like i have been solidified into the sidewalk, letting people walk all over me. I never feel above that. Always on the floor. Remembering the guy that called me ugly. Maybe that was meant to ward me off of being “too much”. Whatever that means
2023_08_31
Today I learned about Pithole Pennsylvania, a dead town. Everyone got up and left after they ran out of oil. There is nothing to remember it by except a learning center with some pictures and artifacts.
2023_08_25
I started day-dreaming about being 11 and going into an empty pool. I would see how long I could hold my breath underwater. I would just float, let my limbs go numb. The silence was also magnificent. Any time i would start to move and my bones would crack, a loud ping would echo in the water. I used to want to learn morse code and crack my knees underwater. Where did the time go?
2023_08_11
I can’t keep a consistent schedule. The only thing I think about is that night back in December. You know garbage men are associated with the mafia? I didn’t know that. I miss the cold weather and the short days.
a pic I took in the early hours of the morning of December 21, 2022
2023_07_24
My birthday. Another year older. I went to an antique shop today and bought a 70s wide angle mirror. It was 101 degrees out. It hasn’t rained since June 6.
2023_06_18
Saw that cop in church. He didn’t offer me peace. I think the stigmata on my arms are waxing.
2023_06_14
I just had a run in with a cop. I was in that empty lot again staring in to the distance. I think i went to high school with him. I think he was mad I didnt recognize him. He had his hand precariously between his gun and his crotch. Tried to tell me it was illegal for me to be sitting in the parking lot at 3am on a Tuesday, but it is a public lot and there are no closing time signs anywhere.
2023_06_06
Summer doesnt creep anymore. Summer’s boot is on my neck threatening to slash my jugular with his spur. There was a lot of rain today. I threw his note into the river.Hopefully it will dissolve and turn into silt. No one needs to know that. No one needs to know.
2023_05_29
I dreamt of a woman with no head next to a large structure of sticks resembling the Blair Witch sticks. She was praising it and it was aglow like it was on fire, but there was no fire, and she had no head. I think it was me.
2023_05_10
My insides feel like oatmeal and I cracked a tooth in my sleep from grinding my teeth. I also noticed upon closer inspection that my front right tooth has a dent in it front where i bite my nails. ♥.
2023_05_02
Sometimes I stay up until 4 am and stare out the window. I'm always hoping for something to appear. An omen, an angel, a ghost... Seems the more I want, the less I get. This is getting older i guess.
2023_04_17
I’ve started dreaming of his face, again. But it’s still not his face. Every time I think of him, my memory gets a little more blurry. Like a painting exposed to sunlight... Just gets more washed out as time goes on until I'll lose the memory completely.
2023_04_01
I went to a monster truck rally for the first time in my life. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t feel anything. Just metal crunching in wet slop. Beer raining out the arms of the purveyors, kissing the soles of my shoes as i paced around the stadium. I laughed until I cried, but nothing was funny.
2023_03_21
First day of spring, but its already 60 degrees fahrenheit. Spring doesn’t love me like she used to. Every year felt like losing my virginity. The past 2 years felt like itchy tights. Adapt or die i guess.
2023_02_20
My mom told me today that he sold his microwave and his oven. I wonder hows he’s eating, if he even is. Maybe he’s living off of ice cream. He always said no one loved him. I understand that feeling. I guess maybe I didn’t try hard enough.
2023_02_14
I went and got high in the parking lot at the dam with my friends from high school again. I brought my camera with me, and it snowed. We saw several deer, and i took many pictures of them. We turned on the headlights, and I swear i could see their brains through their glaring eyes. Reminded me of his irises in my dreams. I felt loved tonight.
2023_01_27
I got a call from his mom while I was picking up my paycheck from work today. Was so excited to get paid. As she spoke, I could only hear Laura Palmer in my head saying “Bobby killed a guy” to James Hurley. I drove to him and laid in bed with im for 6 hours. The stigmata on my arms became more apparent.
2023_01_03
Today i went into work again since the holiday break. My manager told me the only way to increase productivity this year is if I stop getting so emotionally invested into everything. I’m not sure what this meant. I cried in the closet, but I got waterproof mascara in my stocking, so everyone just thought it was allergies.
2022_12_23
I’ve started dreaming of his face. But it’s not his face. And its not his body. His hands feel cold, not clammy and luke warm like i remember. His eyes distort when i try to see into his soul. I see a TV reflecting in his iris in complete darkness. I want to paint him, but i don’t know how to paint. I don’t even remember his name.
2022_12_21
I’m starting to get weird shape running up my arms, like waxing and waning crescent moons. Maybe a new type of stigmata just dropped. Lol
2022_11_22
Sometimes my room feels like a prison, but like a prison in which i lock myself in and lock everyone else out. I am sad and i am lonely, but i cant bear the thought of anyone coming through the bars. I rattle my coffee tin, begging to attention, but when someone tries to give me change, i spit at their feet. I dont understand my wants and needs, i just know that if i leave my room, i’m naked.